


at the end, sunlight

by hapakitsune



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-08
Updated: 2017-11-08
Packaged: 2019-01-31 01:10:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12665202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hapakitsune/pseuds/hapakitsune
Summary: The Raven Queen came to him out of the darkness, her smooth white mask ghostly, otherworldly, impossibly beautiful.Runechild, she said in the silence.You called for me.





	at the end, sunlight

**Author's Note:**

> After Matt mentioned on Talks Machina that his vision for Gilmore was that he set out to be an adventurer, I felt the urge to write a little something to give closure to his story for, at the very least, my peace of mind.

The morning of Vax’s memorial, Gilmore rose from his bed and went about his day as though it were any other. He washed his face; he oiled his beard and mustache; he dressed, though in robes of a more somber purple than he usually wore; he slipped on his rings and his jewelry and checked the wards about his home. In the year since Vecna’s fall, no one had yet made it through his protections. Tal’Dorei was quiet these days, no dragons or rogue gods to contend with—and no Vox Machina coming by with insane demands and wild stories to tell. 

Gilmore went down to the shop, where Sherri greeted him with a small smile. They had all been careful with him, these last few days. But then, he had been careful with them. Perhaps in Emon they had not been as touched as those in Vasselheim who had seen their death coming on the back of a fallen titan, but they all had been afraid; afraid that after they had rebuilt so much in the wake of Thordak’s destruction, they would see it all lost in the madness of a god. In the streets, people drank and sang, kissed each other and celebrated being alive, and Gilmore shut himself in his room to work.

Greyskull Keep was alive with activity when Gilmore arrived. Vex stood atop a box to command the caterers and the priestesses of the Raven Queen, to tell the guests where to go. She wore a gown of all black, and if it were not for the blue feathers in her hair, she would have been indistinguishable from her brother. Gilmore wished, very badly, that he had not come. 

“Shaun,” came a warm voice, and he turned to see Allura and Kima approaching him, hand in hand. Kima, for once, was not wearing armor, and Allura’s hair was unbraided. Gilmore embraced them both, accepting Allura’s kiss on the cheek with one of his own, and complimented them extravagantly until Allura told him to stop. 

“I wasn’t sure if you would come,” Allura said quietly, taking his arm. “I thought you would, but I know you’re angry with him.”

Angry? Angry didn’t even begin to describe how he felt. He smiled, said, “It was a passing feeling,” and promised himself that he would only drink with strangers from here on out. 

He made his way through the crowds—and it was extraordinary, really, just how many people were here, how many lives Vax’ildan had touched. There was Vox Machina, of course, and their families; but then there were people Gilmore had never seen before, or only at a distance. Several of the guards from Whitestone; Syngorn elves, stiff in their formal clothing; a herd of Goliaths; a strange, fey creature who introduced himself as Garmelie; dragonborn and tieflings; Zahra and Kashaw with their daughter; endless people who were smiling and laughing and weeping in turns. 

Then the priestess of the Raven Queen lifted her hands and bade them to come to the garden. There, amidst the trees grown painstakingly by Keyleth and the shrine to Sarenrae, they all knelt to honor Vax. Beneath them, snowdrop flowers began to bloom, spreading out around them until they were kneeling upon a carpet of white blossoms. When Gilmore looked up, he saw ravens, perched along the walls of the courtyard. 

“We honor Vax’ildan, Champion of the Raven Queen,” the priestess said. “A reluctant servant, but a good and faithful one when he came to understand his purpose. He embraced death as a friend, stepped away into the dark, but his not gone from us. Look around. He is here, in all of you.” 

Gilmore bent his head and plucked a flower from between his knees. Vax, he thought, you complete arsehole. I miss you so much. 

After, Vex spoke, her voice admirably steady as she recounted a story from their childhood. Vax, she said, had never been a diligent student. He would rather copy from her and explore the city. After a while, she let him, but she never gave him the right answers. “Our teachers couldn’t understand how he went from a competent student to failing in one week,” she said, and she laughed with tears in her eyes. 

Then Percy spoke of having a brother again, of Vax’s bravery and foolhardiness. Scanlan talked of his cleverness and humor, how he loved to play pranks and tease. Grog admitted, somewhat grudgingly, that Vax was funny. Pike cried, smiled, then cried again as she told them of Vax’s search for meaning in his life, of his search for faith that, in the end, led him to the Raven Queen. 

And then Keyleth stood, and she searched the crowd until she met Gilmore’s eyes. They looked at each other for a moment, their sorrow mirrored in that instant. Keyleth turned her face, and instead of speaking, she raised her hands, and around them flowers burst into bloom, a riot of color and perfume. Above them, the ravens took flight, and when Keyleth looked back, her face shone with tears. 

 

“Thank you for coming, Shaun,” Vex said afterward in the hall of the keep. She seemed diminished from earlier, her face pale and drawn. Percy stood just behind her, Trinket on her other side, like bodyguards. “Vax would have—I’m glad you came.” 

He reached out to clasp her hand. Vex arched her eyebrows in that way he found so familiar. “Don’t be ridiculous,” Vex said. “You’re family. You know that, don’t you?” and she pulled him in for a hug. Her hair smelled of pine wood, of breeze; Gilmore, unaccountably, felt tears rise. 

When they parted, Vex cupped his face in her hands. “I’m sorry my brother was such a shit. I know he didn’t tell you what he had promised to the Raven Queen. He should have. _We_ should have.” 

Gilmore smiled and waved his hand. “He was under no obligation to do so.”

Vex squeezed his face gently. “But he should have. It’s all right to be angry with him. I’m angry with him, sometimes, and he’s—he _was_ —my best friend.” Her voice cracked, and she dropped her hands to wipe away her tears. 

Gilmore stayed long after most of the others had left, speaking with those he knew and many he didn’t. Cassandra often drifted past, pausing to touch Gilmore’s shoulder, to speak with him. She seemed calmer than he had last seen her, her face no longer drawn tight with worry. There was too Taryon Darrington with a man he named as Lawrence; Kaylie with friends from school. 

He went out to the garden as the guests began to leave. He knelt in the dirt, his head tipped skyward, and, for the first time in years, he prayed. 

 

The Raven Queen came to him out of the darkness, her smooth white mask ghostly, otherworldly, impossibly beautiful. _Runechild_ , she said in the silence. _You called for me._

“Yes,” he said. “I wanted to ask you—why Vax?”

_Why did I choose him? Or why did he have to die?_

“Both. Either.” 

_You loved him,_ the Raven Queen said. _Surely it cannot be so hard to imagine that I might have seen something worthy in him._

“I loved him as a man,” Shaun said. “Not as a tool.”

 _Ah, yes._ The Raven Queen reached out and touched the rune upon his forehead with cool fingers. _You have been a plaything of forces beyond yourself. But you chose your destiny. A shop in Emon. Respect and power. Vax’ildan chose his destiny too. He swore himself to me out of love for his sister, and he embraced my cause as though he had been born to it. These were all choices._

“And his death?”

 _Was a bargain he made,_ the Raven Queen said. She stroked his face, close enough now that he could gaze into the emptiness where her eyes should be. _Vax’ildan walked to his death with his eyes open. I offered him a chance—just a chance—to make things right. To halt the would-be god. Even knowing what lay at the end of this road, he chose it._ The Raven Queen seemed to smile, somehow. _Is that not why you loved him?_

Gilmore loved Vax for far too many reasons. For his beauty and his wit. For his compassion. For his honesty and the bountiful love he offered everyone in his life. For being a hero, for going out into the world and bringing back tales of Beholders and the Feywild. Loving Vax was as much a part of him as breathing, now, and even now he felt that same longing pull of _I’d be with you every minute if I could_.

But Vax was gone, and even if he weren’t, he had chosen. He had followed his heart, and Gilmore could admit that he could see the brightness Keyleth brought out in him. 

“What now?” he asked the goddess before him. “Where do we go from here?”

 _I cannot answer that question for you, runechild._ The Raven Queen drew back, melting back into the darkness that was her home. _Only you can choose your fate_. 

 

Two weeks after Vax’s memorial, Gilmore packed a bag and left Emon on foot. He could have used his teleport circle or purchased a horse, but somehow it didn’t quite seem the spirit of the thing. No more watching adventurers come in and out of his shop, living off their stories. For the first time since he had left Marquet, he felt the itch for adventure. 

He walked until the city gave way to trees, until he had to make camp or fall asleep on his feet. He made a fire and sat by it, breathing in the rich smoke and the smell of the trees. He slept deeply that night, better than he had in years. 

In the morning he packed up camp, and as he set out again, the leaves overhead rustled. When he looked up, he saw a raven, larger than average, perched on a branch above his head. They stared at each other for a long moment, man and bird, and then the raven took off into the air and disappeared through the canopy of trees.


End file.
